Tag Archives: Relationship

Wanted: Mom, Housekeeper, or Combo

Light housekeeping, cooking skills a must, valid driver’s license and willing to drive at a moment’s notice. First guess- Classified ad?  Second guess- A Dating profile ?

A notification from the dating site buzzes on your device telling you someone has viewed your profile. Always have to look to check it out. The profile name this time was a  first name and the number 37. My experience shows he is either 37 years old, or was born in 1937.  Forty years is a big difference, but again , from my past experience, it could be either one. Secretly I hope he isn’t 78 but kind of hope he isn’t 37 either. A  bit too young even for me, though that would be flattering.  A bit too old and that would be depressing. The 78 yr old would make more sense to some people , but not me! And if I am going to date someone who has an age difference of 14+ years , I’d rather subtract those numbers  then add them!

But in this case he was definitely 37, almost 38! .  Searching for an older woman, and by that he means a mother. Most of the time a guy will tell you he is searching for older women because of their maturity,  or they aren’t necessarily looking for  commitment, and definitely not looking to snag a successful young man for marriage and children. Not this guy. Went right to cleaning and cooking.

I think an ad in his local paper for a housekeeper would work better, but I guess he has to pay for that. Why not advertise on a dating site and combine all one’s needs into a neat little package.

Explaining it would take away from the essence of his message.

What a catch. I’d like to chat with any woman that would respond to this and get her the help she needs.

Read it and weep.

Hi I’m nick 38 looking to get to know someone older wouldn’t mind moving to a different town must cook and keep a clean house,looking for someone secure that can travel goe places,I like outdoors good food movies reading send me a message if interested I currently don’t have a running car it broke down on me its not worth fixing so not able to get around that good right now

 

Lifestyles of the Bored and Married

Now I have an explanation of all the requests I have had from various dating sites from men with open relationships. It really is a popular trend. Last September I wrote about open relationships and the many requests I have received from men who are very happy in their relationships, but not monogamous. (according to them)  And their spouse felt the same way. (again, according to them) Each would take a lover or multiple lovers, so they didn’t get bored.  I also stated it was not for me. Still isn’t. No, I am not married, but I pretty much know, married or dating, it would not happen.

But it seems it is not unusual. Most of the men who have contacted me were on OKC. And, it seems, according to the Post, that a very high percentage of men (and women) on Tinder, who say they are single, are actually married. Hmmm, I think no one will be shocked about that information. I also think Tinder does not get exclusive rights to the high percentage of men or women who are really married. The percentages may vary, but really I would think all the dating sites can claim that one!

According to this Washington Post article, there are sites dedicated to meeting able and willing partners to eliminate the boredom of being married and with only one person.

There are also sites that focus just on cheating spouses. So if you feel the need for cheating, you can pick and choose. No hanging around the bars hoping to pick someone up to alleviate the hum drum life you have chosen. Now you have to write a profile, and make educated (non monogamous) decisions.

I am sure I sound naive. I really am not shocked there are sites like this. And I am not shocked that they are flooded with people, both men and women, looking to broaden their horizons. No one likes to be bored. Me, I go shopping or watch a movie. Is that too boring for the dating world?

It states as well, that no one is meant to be with just one person for life. Not humans. Apparently beavers and dogs mate for life, but people are not meant to do that. The couples that do not have a spouse that has cheated , appear to be in the minority. If you are open and honest about it, I believe it is written that it is not cheating. Monogamy is so yesterday.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/are-new-dating-apps-killing-monogamy-or-has-it-always-been-dead/2015/05/26/485f07ec-03e8-11e5-8bda-c7b4e9a8f7ac_story.html

 

 

The Art of Conversation

We are all on these dating sites to meet someone. Well, I shouldn’t say all, because some are on these sites for their own reasons. People are chatty, like to start conversations. It can be quite interesting talking with guys from other countries. Even other states sometimes. Clearly, there is no commitment when you are across an ocean or two. There is always that little part of me that thinks, are they really in South Africa, or Spain, or whatever other exotic locale they have listed?  There was a guy from Ohio, wait, I should go with a limerick here. Later. He was in Akron. Not nearly as cool as Spain or the UK. So he says we should meet for coffee. I checked again on his profile and yep, it said Ohio. I am in Virginia.  I responded with, “It would be sort of hard to meet after work for coffee if we are in 2 separate states.”

His answer. “Thank you. Enjoy your day.”  I shook my head and later that day, lo and behold, his account was deleted. Gotta love these guys.

Back to the UK. A guy started chatting with me and I asked him where he was and he said Ireland. Would have been better if I could have heard the accent, but instead I imagined it. Actually I tried to imagine something else other than the picture he had posted too, which works much better if you go with the stereotypical Irish lad from many a romance novel. Dark, black flowing hair, piercing blue eyes, like the ocean of course. Anyway, I digress.

Irish man asked what I do.  I really do believe that no one really ever reads my profile.  I told him and then, being the polite person I am, asked what he does. He said he builds sets for shows and is a part-time life model for art classes. So yes, I fell into the trap.

“Oh?”, I asked. “What do you mean by life model?” Did I really ask that? I was pretty sure I knew what he meant.

“I pose for them. In the nude.” Yep. I was right. Went back to his profile photo and went REALLY? I didn’t say that to him. Art is art.

art1

He goes on to say he has been doing it for a few years. But that it took a while to get used to but he really enjoys it now. I told him that was nice for him but I could never do that.

He said you would be surprised. He said how uncomfortable he had been the first time or two , but then it was easy. Nope. I would not be surprised at all. I know me. Not going to happen.

The conversation continued about other subjects. Antiques, Ireland, travel, etc. Those extraneous subjects were short-lived. He says, “Tomorrow I am posing for a small group. About 3 people.”

I asked if the size of the group, (yes the group size) really mattered since being nude is being nude. He explained to me that a smaller group is more intimate and it will make him more nervous than posing in front of a large group.

One of his favorite jobs, he shared, was when he posed for a nursing home group. Said they were quite enthusiastic. Keep in mind this guy is 49, so to the nursing home crowd he was a youngster! He said they insisted he pose with an erection and it is very hard to pose that long with an erection without outside stimuli. But because I did not ask for details, I will assume he managed and got paid anyway.

art

The last part of the conversation before he realized I was not engaging in his erotic chat, was that he was next posing for a private individual. He was very nervous about this gig because he had not done that and he felt it would be extremely intimate. Whatever. But he did add that he so enjoys posing, especially with an erection, because he really likes that people are looking at him.

Being this had become more of a monologue on his part,  I said “to each his own” and he responded with “Indeed, good evening.” Which was my dismissal. Must have reminded him of his former girlfriend who he mentioned broke up with him because she didn’t like this particular job of posing. It really could have been his boasting and descriptions. She probably didn’t care that he did it, more that he didn’t shut up about it.

Next!

I have never experienced speed dating. I have vaguely thought about it, but have never actually made the move.  Admittingly, I have been tempted but really have only seen the process in a movie. It did sound intriguing. What could I learn in a few minutes from someone? Though, sometimes, as soon as someone opens their mouth I know that either I don’t want to hear anymore, or I’m ready for a second sentence.  I know on the dating sites I take a look at some pictures and think, “no thank you.” What would happen in person? The guy would start to sit down and I would say, “keep moving.” And in reverse, what if he said it to me? “Hey, don’t bother to sit down.”

But like online dating, you know right away, usually, if you want to message someone.  Messaging online is so much easier, or safer, than in person. No one can see you blush, or get pissed off, or disgusted And yes, it does work both ways. Basically, it is easier rejection.

speed1

I received a groupon type offer for speed dating. I clicked on it and thought I would take a look. It just explained where the event would be, how much you pay and how much you save. But then I looked at the photos. There wasn’t a person over 30. Now I know they are not going to put wrinkly, old faces on there, trying to lure you in. I get that. But, for me, being way over 30, I thought, hmmm, is everyone here just out of college and just moving out of Mom and Dad’s house? It is like the brochures for trips to a resort, or a cruise. We won’t see fat, roly poly men and women in bathing suits, lounging around the pool, or sitting atop of a horse. Nor do we want to. It was clear who they are advertising this event for. Now I know any age could go, but looking at the pictures it discouraged me right away. Maybe I need to start a speed dating for over 50. Speed dating for cougars? Speed dating for boy toys? Hey this could work!

speed

I also received an email to join SpeedDate.com. Speed dating online? I’m listening. Maybe many of you have already tried it. I’m catching up. Took me years to join the online dating crowd in general. Speedy is good.

Here it says you can message or webcam, and know right away. For me, there will be no webcam to start. I dont trust that. Who knows what will be waiting for you when you open a webcam to a perfect male stranger. Call me crazy, but that won’t be happening.

The process of elimination on speed date would be so much quicker and less painful, I would imagine. I may have to look into the site or the concept, just to see how it works, without cameras anywhere.  Maybe like Tinder. Swipe him away in a second. Move on to the next. Can it be speedier than that?

Happily Ever After

A christmas Marathon of Hallmark Movies , 24 hours , all day long, from Halloween through Christmas.xmas

I will admit is is a guilty pleasure of mine.  Maybe because through all of the heartache and pleasures, it always works out in the end. The single mom gets the job and, and, not to worry, her kids have a wonderful Christmas.  And let’s not forget she always gets her man! Usually a girlfriend of the guy exists, but either she is a raging bitch, or a conniving, manipulative, after his money, kind of gal. They also switch it up a bit, and then there could be the money hungry executive who makes no time for the girlfriend, so of course she meets a gorgeous , kind hearted, altruistic guy on her way home to see her family. In some cases, he or she, just shows up at the door.

The part I have trouble dealing with, or should I say one of the parts I have trouble dealing with is, when an extremely good looking guy , or girl, ends up in someone’s home, celebrating Christmas with the family they have never laid eyes on before that day. Or maybe, as in the example below, they meet a stranger, bring them into their homes, with their children and family involved. And no one is skeptical or nervous that there is a stranger sleeping over and eating meals with them. And yes, I am aware this is fictional and on Hallmark, but no one should be that trusting. Even on TV!

In one movie, this good looking guy meets a single mom’s uncle at an airport. Of course they are flying to the same city, where this perfect stranger is invited into his niece’s palatial home, with her young son. And the airport is snowed in. Oh, she expresses a second of concern, stating emphatically, “who is this man? We don’t know anything about him.” And then he helps decorate the house, gets her into the Christmas spirit, cause her to dump the stuffy boyfriend, and yes, fall in love with him and they all live happily ever after.  happy

Then there is the one where the cute girl accidentally goes to what she thinks is her boyfriend’s family’s home. She eventually finds out it was a complete misunderstanding, and being this is the first time she was meeting them, she finds she is in the wrong house. But it is a warm loving family, and we come to find out , the boyfriend’s family are cold, stuffy and don’t like to celebrate Christmas. Oh wait, I bet you haven’t figured the next part out. She falls in love with the good looking son of this impostor family, they get married and live happily ever after.

Sensing a theme here? Wouldnt it be great if we all lived a hallmark movie? Who needs dating sites? Just go to a town filled with Christmas spirit and your soul mate will be waiting. Oh and he will be good looking, wealthy, and maybe even a prince.

It’s a good escape. I can forget all of my dating troubles and all of my everyday life troubles. Does anyone really live a “Hallmark Movie” existence? Not in my world. Wouldnt it be nice to wrap everything up in 90 minutes? Get the job you want.  Find out the ordinary man you are dating is really royalty and wants you to be his princess.

The list goes on. Same theme, some of the same Hallmark actors in each movie. Boy meets girl. Boy gets girl. All is well in the world and everyone is happy.

Dont worry. February brings the romance movie marathon on Hallmark. There is still time to fulfill your guilty pleasure. rom

Someone for Everyone

Clearly, we are on dating sites to meet someone , date, and for some, marry. Go out, have a good time, have someone take you to dinner. Snuggle up in front of a fire and watch a movie. See what develops.   And I am convinced that there is someone for everyone. There is no accounting for whom one is attracted to, and what chemistry is involved.  You can look at a couple and say, “Wow, I don’t get it” but, you don’t have to, they are the ones who have to get it.

There is the physical attraction, the intellectual attraction ,and dare I say,  the emotional attraction that people look for in a mate. On these dating sites, physical is the one that comes up first and then the others seep into the attraction once you get into a conversation and a meeting or two.

On these dating sites, we look at pictures and keep scrolling through, and maybe one catches your eye and you stop. Check him out, send him a message.  I mentioned this in a previous blog post, An Opposite Match, for one. Chances are you stop and check out a profile because you are attracted to that person. I also mentioned before how Match, for example, was sending me matches, that didn’t have matches that I would fit in, i.e., age criteria. So I have now cancelled my Match subscription which ends in a few weeks. I have to say, I had the least amount of contacts through that site. Good riddance.

The holidays are approaching. Family gatherings, parties galore. Maybe a date for the holidays is in the cards for some, maybe not. Now it seems a surge of new applicants hoping to meet that someone before the new year have appeared.

But did I look in the prison files? What was I thinking? Charles Manson has been available all of this time , and I missed it. Though, again, I don’t think I fit his age criteria. Well there are just a few things to consider. He is  an older man, and I don’t typically go for the 80+ crowd. Secondly, he likes the under 30 crowd. Oh, and third , he is a murderer!

So I ask, why did a 26-year-old obtain a marriage license to marry him? Let’s not overlook the fact that she has been fighting for him for 9 years! Yes that would be 17 when she got this fantastic idea. Sometimes there is no accounting for attraction and dating criteria. Or maybe lack of dating criteria.

singlethanks

Slump

Sports analogies are used quite often. Personally, I have never used one, because though I enjoy watching (not playing) some sports, I felt this one works.  I am not a baseball player, though making a few million every time I went to work would really be helpful. But, to be honest, I am in a slump. The definition is made for me. I am not performing up to my expectations, or anyones I would imagine,  And I am definitely in a drought. My game is off. A dry spell fits the bill.

An extended period when player or team is not performing well or up to expectations. A dry spell or drought.

slump1

Maybe one could call it a self-imposed slump. I get messages. I get offers, though some should be called solicitations. Take this gentlemen, and I use that term loosely. Again, a man one year younger than I am, so the category is my age group. Nondescript in the looks department, average, looks like an insurance salesman. ( now don’t go taking offense all of you insurance salesman out there. I could have said accountant, or computer geek.)  He sends me a message and I respond with a friendly reply. Does he ask me to meet for a drink or a cup of coffee? Not a chance.

“Are you working?”, he askes me.

I responded and said , “Yes I am. All day.”

Then he says, Oh too bad. I thought I would come over and play.”

I respond with, “so let me get this straight. We had 3 lines of messages. Never talked. Never met. And you want to come over and play? I am not in the habit of having strange men whom I have never met come over to my home for sex.” Move on.

And may I add he was insulted and wanted to know what would be wrong with that? I should have asked him if he ever watches CSI or Law and Order.

slump

So my slump continues. I get quite a few, So and So want to meet You” notifications. Do I want to meet them? NO.  I cant agree to meet someone who looks like he lives in his mother’s basement. Or if he is holding a fish.  Even a few messages that ask to meet. But I am not in the group of women, or men, I imagine, that will meet anyone for a drink or coffee, just to have another date.  I do know women who do this.  Many tell me they are not attracted to him, but hell why not grab a drink anyway, and then tell him no for next time. I would rather stay home. I have to  be attracted visually or even, mentally, to want to got to the next step. I would not enjoy sitting there for even an hour, knowing I am only doing it to go out. Personal preference on my part.

A hitter can’t let a poor performance carry over into the next opportunity. Pouting or feeling sorry for yourself when you’re in a slump can become a habit, starting a vicious cycle that’s very hard to break.

I am definitely carrying over my slump attitude into other aspects of dating and even my life.  Of course I am having a pity party. I detect a pattern, a habit as stated above. But habits are hard to break. I’m working on it. Baseball players practice their swings in the mirror, according to what I have read about being in a slump. I dont know what I can practice in the mirror. I guess I could practice saying, ‘yes’, or ‘don’t be a dating a snob,’ but  I am not fooling anyone especially myself. I think it is more my attitude I have to change to eliminate the slump I am in. Or maybe a new dating site.

Changed My Mind

Your confidence builds. You are feeling good about yourself. Thinking, I am looking pretty good these days and you have a good feeling all around.  You even think it is safe to enter the dating scene. So you accept a date.

One Tuesday I received a pleasant message. Spoke about our common interests and background.  Thought he was a bit stiff, didn’t seem to have a light attitude or joke much, but I thought, ok, this is online. Chill out, give him a break.  We set up to meet the following Tuesday, though he did ask at first if I was free the next evening, Wednesday night. “Sorry,” I said,  “but I  have plans.” ( I really did.)

We talked on the site for a few days, and one evening wrote that he was looking forward to meeting. I concurred and said it will be fun. He  said he was going to NY to see his mom over the weekend. ( I had to assume he was telling the truth, I try not to be cynical every time)  Very briefly on the friday of that weekend we spoke and then ended with we will chat before Tuesday.

Monday comes and no word. Yep, my wonderful, reliable gut was kicking in again. I did not have a good feeling about this.  I sent him a message on the dating site and said “hi. just wanted to be sure we were still meeting up on tuesday.” I don’t feel comfortable having a plan for a week and not have confirmation.  Nothing. The next morning, which was the Tuesday of our “date”, he sends me a message that says, “I’m very sorry, but I’ve decided not to meet. Best of luck in your search for love, peace and happiness.”

I was so annoyed.  I wrote back and said “Wow nice of you to let me know before today.”

I didn’t ask why, though I really wanted to know the reasoning behind it. So many to choose from. He simply changed his mind, Maybe he met someone else and wanted to focus on her. Maybe he is simply a jerk.  I admit, he tried to write it nicely, but it was not sitting well. I was insulted that he changed his mind. I do think it is merely frustration and /or annoyance that no matter what, I can’t seem to meet someone for a mere drink!

This guy was even in my age group. If nothing else I am giving myself points for that!  He is in my decade! Could be a first. I have gone out with some very close to my decade, just short a few years. But I have realized that same decade or not, it doesn’t matter.

Sometimes you can read an article and think,  “Do they know me? Did they peek into my dating world and get some ideas? This one is about being single and frustrated. How timely! I will take a wild guess and say I am not the only one, male or female, who at times, feel this way.  I have had toxic relationships. Do I repeat the pattern? Do I pick the wrong men?  I think, unless your dating life is perfect, one of these may hit home for you, If not,  consider yourself lucky and not single and frustrated.

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/single-and-frustrated-5-things-to-consider/?lcid=102210&laid=Links#.VEbjuxZYrZB

Are You Open to Open Relationships?

What is an open relationship? Here, according to Wikipedia, which will do for now, is the definition of an open relationship.

An open relationship is an interpersonal relationship in which the parties want to be together but agree to a form of a non-monogamous relationship.[1] This means that they agree that a romantic or intimate relationship with another person is accepted, permitted, or tolerated. Generally, an open relationship is when the parties involved have two or more romantic or sexual relationships occurring at the same time either as a short-term relationship, such as dating, or long-term relationship, such as marriage.[2] The concept of an open relationship has been recognized since the 1970s.

I am seeing a trend on these dating sites, mostly OKC., in open relationships. Or should I point out, that those engaging in open relationships, are finding me. No, I don’t have a  sign on my  profile advertising for those men in open relationships. Sometimes I do feel like I have a magnet on my forehead, that attracts married men, and/or those in open relationships. I should look further as to why this happens.

I am not sure that would work for me. In fact, I think I know that would not work for me. To each his own. I don’t judge or care if anyone wants to live that way. I didn’t do it in the 70’s, and see no need for it now. I have dated 2 guys at once, and I find it stressful.  And, I think I am too much of a jealous person, to think it is ok for my guy to be with one or more women , when he is not with me.

open

I spoke with a guy on OKC,  who lives in another state, yet informed me that he travels to my area often . We started chatting and during the course of the conversation I asked if he had been married before. Mental note: read someone’s full profile before you strike up a conversation.

His response, “ Going on 25 years next month!”

Mine: take a quick look at his profile and say DUH

Sure enough, in big bold letters, it says, OPEN RELATIONSHIP.

Do I leave the conversation? Nope, need to understand this personal choice of his.

I said ,”well I just noticed you do have open relationship written down.”

“I sure do,” he replies to me. “We have always had an open relationship. We both take lovers and have had many over the years. Happily married but never monogamous.”

“And that works for you?” apparently the naive part of me replies.

“It does. We are both very happy.”

“Good for you,” I tell him. And I mean it. If this works and you both like it, why not?

open1

Here is one outlook on whether or not open relationships can work.

http://www.mensfitness.com/women/dating-advice/do-open-relationships-work

Different outlooks. monogamy or non-monogamous relationships is the big question. Jealousy and double standards come into play.  Is it ok for someone to have a lover, but when his or her spouse decides the same, then does trouble begin? If you both agree, like my friend here, then go with what works. Though I can’t imagine, at times, that difficulties could potentially pop up. Are they never jealous? Do they  never have a conflict, if one spouse has a lover and the other is in a slump? Or your spouse’s lover is really hot and you may feel intimidated?

Does it improve their sexual relationship with each other or hinder it? Inquiring minds want to know, but I don’t think I will find out first hand.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/10/married-polyamory-open-relationships_n_5544520.html

This article in the Huffington Post explains why this could work for some. I spoke with a guy , again on OKC, who said he was polyamorous, and of course I had to look it up. I asked him why he chose this, and pretty much said he was terribly hurt in his previous relationship. His ex cheated on him and lied. So this way, he explained, was a no hurt type of relationship. No muss no fuss. Then move on. Sounds like the hurt talking if you ask me. Being non- monogamous doesn’t shield you from hurt, necessarily. But, I said to him,  if it works for you, great. Not sure he has tried it yet from what I gathered in our online chatting.

Yet, it is pretty much,  an open relationship in a much cooler word form.

Ageless Dating

Age is only a number.  I cannot tell you how many times I have  heard that  phrase.  Mostly from younger men, pretty much telling me not to worry about how young they are!

I was talking to a guy on OKC, who decided not to reveal his age . At least not right away.  He said he really didn’t like the age question on the dating sites. Why restrict yourself?  “why do people care?” he asked me.  I replied it was mostly a preference, but I am a curious type and I like to know.

“Why? is it important?” he wanted to know.

“Yes , I think it is. To a point. “  I told him.

He asked, “What if you really like talking to the guy and want to meet.  What if he is 22 and has a great job, and an advanced degree, and is an all around great guy? “  Now I looked at his photos again, to make sure I did not think this one was 22!

I do feel technically it shouldn’t matter, but as nice as he could be , I would not feel comfortable about dating someone younger than all of my own children! I think an age gap is a personal preference. and is limited to what works for the individual.  On the same note, I wouldn’t feel comfortable dating someone my Dad’s age either. I think one sets their own limits to what is their comfort zone.

age

I know plenty of people who marry or date someone with maybe a 15-20 years age difference. Personally, a 35-40 year age difference would bother me. He wouldn’t know ,unless from books or an older aunt or uncle, about anything I have lived through. Even his parents would be younger than i am! that would really upset my comfort zone.

He also asked me if i thought it was a judgment problem. Did I worry that people would judge me? I admitted judgment is a factor to a certain degree, but i think I would  end up judging myself as well. If I know I am not comfortable with it, I just won’t do it.

I went online to see what was out there, and sure enough, there is a site for ageless dating!

http://www.agelessdating.com/

This could open up one’s outlook on not getting caught up the  “age discussion”. Or, more likely, for me, at least, open up that can of worms I  try to avoid.

But, the thing that baffles me , is ,when you go under search, the first box you are supposed to fill out, is AGE!  They want a range. I haven’t done it yet.  But  for research  purposes, I just may have to for my fellow daters. What a trooper!