Moving on. Are you?

I’m sensing a pattern. Sort of complicated pattern.  I meet someone online,  we talk, we maybe meet, it doesn’t pan out, and we move on. Or I move on. They don’t seem to move on. They resurface. They may wait months, but they resurface. I guess , as the old saying goes, if you don’t succeed at first, try try again. Not sure who said that, but apparently online dating men follow it.

First there is the category of talking on the site and never meeting. We may chat for an hour or maybe on and off for days, but if I know I don’t want to meet them in person, I attempt to nip it in the bud, as quickly as possible. Apparently, I am not fast enough, or I am not clear. Let’s see. “No I don’t think we should meet.” Clear to me. Maybe it is the word “think”. Does that give them hope? “She is thinking it is a bad idea, but I am sure I can change her mind.” I will have to go with the more forceful… NO.

Telling them I don’t think it is a good plan to meet, is the polite way of saying I am not attracted to you or I don’t like mustaches, (we’ll talk about that later) or you are too young or too old. We go through, “oh are you sure?” etc etc.  I make it clear. But, I see,  clear to me is not the same as clear to them. Then months later,  a message pops up and asks how I am , have I had any luck on the site, maybe we should meet. Obviously, I am still on the site, so I must be ready to change my mind and agree to meet them.  One fine example was someone I spoke with on and off for a couple of weeks, (more off than on) who wanted to meet for coffee. I did not want to and made it clear from the start. Not after weeks, but a day. He kept writing me for weeks and I kept saying , no problem chatting but no meeting. Told him he was too young, and I didn’t add annoying.  He was. “You wont regret it,”  he assured me.  No No and no. Did he accept that ? No. So I stopped replying and he comes back with “bet you never saw anyone as big as I am.” Really,  well now you’re talking. Never heard that one before. Sorry didnt work. Still didnt  answer. Months later, new message. “ hope you been doing great.” My guess is he figures it has been a somewhat long enough length of time, surely I won’t remember why I didn’t want to see him in the first place  or why I stopped talking to him. Or he didn’t remember why I stopped, but really, the  truth is, he probably never had a clue.   

Second category, talk for days,  sometimes weeks, we meet, no firecrackers go off, and thank you, but no thank you.

I will explain in the following paragraph, when I did meet someone for a drink,  I let him know that it wasn’t what I am looking for,  and that didn’t work either. It works for a while, but runs out of gas really quickly, and  another attempt is made.

Now I referred to this guy in my previous post, as “Mr. Black Coat.” The guy who never took off his coat when we met for a drink.  The scenario played out like this:

We meet for a drink at a bar last winter. As I mentioned, we had talked for weeks, and he finally said let’s meet .  Personable, and nice. I keep using nice. But he was. A regular guy. Wait, could that be the problem? I digress.

I arrive at the bar and he is there already.

He had a big, black coat on (aka Mr. Black Coat)and never stood up the entire time until we left.

When he got up, I realized, he was hiding his lower half under the coat. it wasn’t cold in there , so that is my theory.

Embarrased? Hiding? doesnt matter, but I didn’t like the deception. At least I saw it as deception.

The next day, not wanting to prolong things, I texted him and told him I didn’t seem to be on the same page as he was, as far as attraction. “Can’t help who we are attracted to or not,” I said. It is or it isn’t. I was very polite and even nice. I even use that word for me too sometimes.  He was nice, again nice. I didn’t want to be hurtful, just not drag it out.

So what is the  correct, or maybe, polite way to tell someone “I simply am not attracted to you?”  Yes, I can easily say, I am not attracted to you. Simple and to the point. If a guy is being an ass or his personality does not warrant niceness, then most likely I would not have a problem telling him that.

But then months later, I get a message from “Mr. Black Coat” asking how I am and how were things going.

“Fine,” I said . Caught him up on a couple of events and asked how he was. Did I just open a can of worms because I responded?  Apparently I did. Without the intention of doing just that, my worms escaped.

I received  a message, a week or so later, which said,

“what was it about me that turned you off?

where can I make improvements? I was very attracted to you and you weren’t by me- perplexing.”

What does one say to this? I want to say let it go , move on.  But that sounds mean. Perplexing? Not sure it is such a mystery. Because one person is attracted to the other, it doesn’t always get reciprocated. I have been on both sides of that fence before. It is not pleasant, but such is life. Politely I wrote back,after a few hours, and said ,”That is not easy to explain. Maybe it is a chemistry thing that was missing.”  Skirted the “I am not attracted to you physically,” issue.  He responded with , Well back to the lab” Ok good. keeping a sense of humor about it. and I told him that. I’Il let him have the last word. He said “one has to have  a sense of humor, but i still enjoy looking at you. “  As long as it is simply gazing at  my pictures on the dating site.

8 thoughts on “Moving on. Are you?

  1. After I’ve told a guy I’m not interested (whether we met online or not), I try to not respond to any more correspondence, even friendly stuff (unless, of course, we’ve been friends already). I’ve found that talking to guys who are interested in me but that I’m not interested in just makes them feel like they have a chance. I have a really hard time with this (I feel like it’s so rude not to respond), but many of my guy friends have assured me this is the smarter/saner bet for getting rid of guys I don’t want to pursue. :/

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