Monthly Archives: April 2014

Don’t Hate Me Because I Am Beautiful

Wouldn’t you think with all of this flattery (I mean BS) that I would have so many dates to choose from? Nope. Not the case. I certainly have enough words to choose from to write poetry, or to print out and line my birdcage, but not dates.

This is just a sample, 14 samples to be exact, of different men, sending messages, all clearly awed by me. This was going to be a bitch session, (OR IS IT) , but  I decided to wait for that. Plenty to choose from.

I could comment on each one, but why? I think they speak for themselves.

1. Beautiful is supposed to be a word that describes someone or something. Now that I met you I realize that beautiful is more than just a word. Beautiful speaks, beautiful talks, beautiful is sexy, beautiful breathes, and beautiful smiles. Beautiful is you.

2. decided to check on your picture I guess the first thing that came into my mind when I saw your photo was “WOW!!!”. You are DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS !!!

3. First of all, let me start by saying that I was blown away by your profile .I guess there was no need for ME to worry about overwhelming YOU with my e-mail

4. What more can i say than WOW… What a beautiful woman with a beautiful profile…just wanted to drop you a short note saying i really liked everything about you

5. I am new here and your profile caught so much of my attention .i  can’t get my eyes off your pic, you are so beautiful and lovely

6. my attention was captured by the beautiful smile on your face, “what were you thinking when you smiled” the look in your eyes as you smiled to me was literally melting my heart. It was quite impossible for me to resist the urge of getting closer to you. I would really like to know you more, are you really a single woman.

7. what a nice and sparkling smile. I wouldn’t trade that smile for anything. I got entangled in that wonderful smile, i must confess u are beautiful and will like to know what it take to steal your heart ?

8. What a nice and sparkling smile. I wouldn’t trade that smile for anything I am sure its your Charming Magic

9. Good morning beautiful..Wow, incredible profile & you are stunning, gorgeous actually. I saw your profile and it caused an unusual impact..I am interested in your profile. You have such a beautiful profile.

10. You’re so beautiful that every man would want to hold hands with you someday. Looking into your eyes alone, shows me a beautiful world. And i guess I’ll be the luckiest man getting to talk to you. If i were to present your picture in heaven, most of the angels would hide their faces in shame.

11. Hello, my charming angel , am james and i really admire your beauty a lot

12. Hi, am captivated in you as well as your profile and i would like to hit the books to know more about you

13. Such a beautiful picture. You have a magnetic and enchanting smile. Apologies to be mailing you out of the blues, as I found your profile while searching for a soul mate. I just couldn’t resist the urge to say Hello to you. You have the beauty of a goddess and the smile of an angel.

14. you are beautiful beyond words can describe. You look amazing, and stunningly beautiful. I just love that smile you are wearing. because it can make people do anything you wish. Always wear that sparkling smile. Smile. I’ m here in search of a serious relationship.Not here for Nude or Naughty purpose. I’m here in search of a soul mate. Hope to hear from you soon. Happy Easter.

Speechless yet?

 

Uh, What Did You Say?

I would like to revisit the subject of some of the more absurd messages I have received , and, of course, I still am receiving. I can say with certainty, they will never run out. Somehow they keep popping up, and somehow, they find me. I can summarize the laughable parts, but I think it will be best if I comment as I go. And I left their wonderful phrasing and grammar for all to enjoy.

#1. Hello there

Your profile is very intriguing and I like what you have to say. It would be pleasant to learn more about you .You look attractive and write well, seem articulate, sensitive and worth more than a second look! (so honored) I decided to join for a few months to see what this site was like. I like what you wrote in your profile and thought I would reach out to see if we might be compatible. Let me know if you would like to communicate more. .Will be Hoping to hear from you. mind if we chat on yahoo im (yes I do)

 

#2. Hello. Would you consider getting acquainted and becoming real friends?(What exactly does that mean?) Do you have too many already? (Who asks this?) Let’s explore a friendship…I’m not into drama or pain. (why throw in pain? Maybe drama and games? but pain?) I do not want your money or your identity. I am not after a one-nighter, I am American not Nigerian. Cybersex is so 1995. (No words for this one!)

#3. I am searching for a long-term friendship, even if it is online only. I love road trips! ( not sure what an online friendship and road trips have in common) Oh, and feel free to IM me here anytime. (I didn’t)

#4. Hi, how are you doing? is a great privilege for me to meet someone like you here. Am so much happy i find a woman like you with the same thing in common with me. If won’t mind i will love to know some pretty things about you. ( oh gee sorry. I usually just display my ugly things) Am William…… Hope to hear from you soon. Take care and God bless…. (didn’t change any of his eloquent writing. it is all him)

#5. I am a honest God fearing man. This is my private Email:(XXXXXusall@gmail.com) / phone: 832-713-XXXX. Thank you i will be expecting your reply. God bless you ( I didn’t reply. Then # 2 message shows up.)

have not been on the site for some months but just visited few weeks ago i am rarely here.. too bad i missed you today was so anxious to read from you..832-713-XXXX. text me i will really appreciate xoxo ( I didn’t)

#6. can I come over and cuddle? (to the point. I didn’t answer so he sent a second cuddle request. I finally responded and said no you may not. then he asked “why not?” (opened that can of worms by responding. so I said because I don’t allow someone I never met to come here at all. Again, “why not?” I gave up. to clarify, gave up answering, I  DID NOT let him come over!)

#7. Hello how you doing..I am a single dad..You can call me Joe am new on here…I find a single woman to love and grow old with..hope to read from you soon ( I didnt call him Joe or anything for that matter.)

#8. Hello dear How was your day i hope it was Good as mine cos i can see that from your awesome pic how old is the pics? (Don’t know what my awesome day has to do with my profile pic, never mind when they were taken!)

#9. People call me the Bry man; I’m the stylish one of the group. I know what you’re asking yourself, and the answer is yes. I have a nickname for my penis. It’s called the Octagon, but I also nicknamed my testes – my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right, and you just might get to meet the whole gang. ( I did not ask to meet any of his gang. And yes, he was in his early 30’S. I am truly hoping someone after the age of 40 is not naming his body parts, but I am guessing, our man Bry, surely will be.)

Stood Up!

I actually got stood up. I am not sure that has ever happened before. If it did, I blocked it out, but really I think this is my first. And hopefully last.  Here is a guy who contacted me and said he would be interested in meeting. Yes, he is somewhat younger, but oh well, you only live once. We talked for a while on the dating site and he politely insisted that we meet.

“Give it a try,” he said.

I did agree to meet. He asked for my email, sent me a picture or two, and we said we would plan for a meeting.

I got a message the next day asking  when I was free. “Are you free this coming week?”  I had to decline, because I was going out of town for 5 days. So I suggested when I return we could meet. And he agreed, saying he will contact me in the next few days. Well guess what. Nothing. Okay, I thought. It made me think, well this is fate, maybe I will forget it. And I did. Even deleted him out of my email. So a month or so goes by, and guess who reappears?

Received a message saying, “Really want to meet up.”

Well, weak, or dumb, as I can be at times, I said okay. “When were you thinking?” I asked him.  He said , “let’s meet this weekend.”

I said, “Friday after work would be good for me.” He agreed, and I received messages on and off for the few days until Friday. “Lets think of a place to meet,” he said.  I suggested an area between our respective homes and he agreed. I also suggested he think of some places we could go that would be convenient to both of us and I would as well. “Will do” he answered.

I told him what time I get off work and he got off an hour later. He was going to send me a message when he left work around 5 and we would meet.

So I get home and didn’t hear from him. Instinctively, I decided not to get ready until I did hear from him. At 6:45, I get a message saying “had to work late, really, really sorry.”

I wasn’t even going to respond, but, hey, I did anyway. Had to say something.

“It would have been nice to know this 2 hours ago.” I said with a little pissiness in my email voice.

“ I am so sorry. Let me make it up to you”, he pleaded with me. How about coffee in the morning?”, he asked, since I had just made it clear I wasn’t going anywhere that evening.

I explained I had plans most of the morning and afternoon on Saturday, but that I could meet later in the afternoon. I would be home around 4.

“Perfect!” he said. “I cant wait! Lets meet for a drink, your choice,” he offered to me.

So now I am skeptical. Cautious, untrusting, go with your gut sort of thoughts going in my head.  I told him I would send him a message when I would be home and then we could meet. I did just that, saying I would be home around 4:15 and then I could meet up. And may I add, I cut short what I was doing , so I could get home in time, freshen up, and maybe try to knock off 10 years or so!

Shall we take bets at what happened next? Nah, easy money. Nothing. I hadnt heard from him on the way home or when I got home. So I decided , I  am not even going to think about getting ready until I get a response.  What I really meant was, I was not going to get ready. 3 hours later I had already eaten dinner, walked the dog and was watching a movie. When 5:00 had rolled around, I knew I was not going anywhere.

A quick update. He contacted me again a month or so later , as though nothing had transpired before. As in “hey what’s going on? Really would like to get together.” So I answered and said,” you tried that before and you couldn’t seem to make that happen.”

He says, Well I have really wanted to meet you and let’s do it tomorrow. I can come over to your house.”

I laughed, not out loud, but almost. I think a little chuckle escaped.  I said, “you know, not going to happen.“ He tried to convince me I should give him a second chance, though I had to point out we were way past the 2nd chance, and I hadn’t even met him in person. I am sure he has found someone else to not take out.

What’s in a Name?

Innocently, I look at the list of men that have viewed my profile. I will glance at the pictures, and scan the names. That is where I come to a dead stop. I wouldnt want to have too cutesy of a name, but maybe something catchy. I have seen the word “lonely” in the profile name, way too often. Things like “love”, “look” and “heart” are very popular too. Many use the initials of the state where they live. Hobbies seem to be popular in a name, like “sail”, “beach”, “water”, and “Harley” to name a few.

 

But, then there are the names that have rendered me speechless, which does not happen too often. And I will say, I have not answered any of the ones below. Well maybe just the curvy lady one because he was momentarily interesting and claimed to be in Italy. (well that is what the profile said and that only lasted 3 rounds of messages.}

Here we go:

spankaholic– self explanatory

oral exploration– again he is clear what he likes

bigboy 10 ½- I can only assume it is not his shoe size

primal objective – (he was nude. easy to tell since he clearly had no pants on)

 

funtobekinky– again his choice

 

iwillTrexu– I had to look it up on urban dictionary

 

ilikecurvyladies– clear

va-sadist– i knew he would not hear from me

one should not judge a book by its cover, but in this case, name judging works for me